when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
