Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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