he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
