it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
