Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
