Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
