1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
