I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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