I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Randomize
