He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
