I will die if light touches me.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
