I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
