get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
are you so shy because you have an std?
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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