I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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