I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
