textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
