Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
