no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
