Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
