you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
