Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
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it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
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We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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