2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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