So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I could fuck to npr.
Randomize
