for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Randomize
