did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
