I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
