When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
