Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
