the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
