but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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