maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
