I think my vagina is haunted
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
