Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
