somebody snuck up and got me drunk
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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