If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
