Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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