Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
