I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
