I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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