So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
