i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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