i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
