It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
this hospital has no fireball
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
