you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
