We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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