I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
