I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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