My room smells like vodka and shame
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
