she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
