I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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