dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
