yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Randomize
