I'm lost and stupid without you.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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