Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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