I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
