we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
