Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
