no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
