I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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