I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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