every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
