So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
