The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
