You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
